I have battled with suicide for as long as I can remember. I never wanted to talk about it. I guess that might make me a bit arrogant to think that others will want to hear what I have to say or that they will want to express themselves here to me. For me it was always something personal. How could I expect anyone to understand why, when I never understood why I felt the way I did at times. This is my attempt to find understanding in my own life. What in my mind is different? Why do I get these feelings when I know better? It's like this heavy cloud creeps over me. My air is thick and my skin feels different to me. I find myself sitting alone waiting for the storm to pass. I have many good friends and an incredible family. This makes it harder for me to understand why. I have no good reason. Even with all the good stuff the darkness comes.

During what was one of the most difficult times of my life things changed in a moment. I will write in more detail at a later time about this. The short story is that I passed out on a plane on my way to L.A.. When I woke everyone was starring at me. All with that she must be on drugs look. I was not. Apparently I had a seizure. Never before and not since has this happened. I felt great after it happened. The darkness had lifted. It was like I was watching a movie of my life for two weeks. Strange but I felt safe and free during this time. It could have a breakdown. I'm still not sure what it was but I remained suicide free for over seven years. I thought it was gone forever.

Earlier this year the darkness came back with a vengeance. I was knocked to the ground. I didn't see it coming. It had been so long that I forgot how to fight it. It took me a few weeks but with the help of my dear friends I got back up and decided to fight. Not just for my life but for every life that is haunted and preyed upon by this demon.